Why We Fight About Money
When you’re in a relationship, it can be one big learning curve. You love them, sure, but suddenly you’ve got two people potentially raised completely differently, with different and maybe conflicting ideas about some aspects of life. And you’ve got to share a life?? Jeez!
This is what people mean when they say relationships take ‘work’. In my experience, that ‘work’ is mostly navigating these differences and, provided they aren’t deal-breakers, learning how to make your life work for both of you.
Money can be a huge stumbling block, as it kind of underpins everything, particularly if you start living together. Between joint accounts, bills, mortgage repayments, savings, and essential costs, you’ve then got the ‘fun’ stuff like holidays, which can feel like just another challenge when it comes to money. My point is that if you don’t have your money stuff sorted, then it has the potential to consistently disrupt your life together.
So on the surface, it all seems pretty practical, right? We just need to work out how much is going where each month and boom, sorted! But that ignores the fact that money is about more than just the numbers, it’s about fear. Each of us carries our own story, and therefore our own fears about money. It’s a survival issue.
Take, for example, planning a holiday. One partner might think ‘If we spend too much money on that holiday and then something goes wrong, we won’t make the mortgage repayments and could lose the house.’ Meanwhile, the other is thinking ‘If we don’t set aside enough money for the holiday then we’ll be scrimping the whole time and it’ll be stressful and I don’t know if I’ll cope with more stress right now!’ Both are coming from a primitive brain that’s perceiving a threat, and if you’re not having open conversations about that, it can easily blow up.
The fact that money triggers a survival response means it’s no surprise that we can approach conversations about money feeling a tad tense, and perhaps aren’t in the best headspace to seek understanding and maintain mutual respect. This is where we trip up. We’re in an unsafe position, talking to someone whose thinking we don’t fully understand, knowing that their behaviour could cause harm to us. It doesn’t matter how much you love them, that’s tough!
But despite the fact that these arguments are happening all over the world every day and causing a heck of a lot of stress and heartache, we still don’t want to talk about it! I have most definitely been guilty of coming out of an argument thinking ‘Phew, that was horrible, not bringing that up again for a while!’
We need to break this cycle, and that’s why I’m running a training - How Not To Fight About Money - for couples who want to manage their money better, together. Learn more and sign up here!
We cover:
⇢ Sharing your money background - to better understand each other.
⇢ Navigating different attitudes to saving & spending.
⇢ Understanding your needs (and theirs) - to ensure they are being met.
⇢ How to have better money conversations - to avoid conflict.
⇢ Creating plans for major life events - a shared plan that you are both on board with.
⇢ How to incorporate your 'guilty pleasures' without falling out.
⇢ A money management blueprint - how you can set up your finances successfully.
Sign up, and make your life run that bit smoother.
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Hi there I’m Gail Bainbridge. I have taken my 20 years of experience as a Chartered Accountant working with small businesses and their owners and become a money mentor.
I am on a mission to transform your relationship to money. I can teach you how to find money that you didn’t know you had so you can spend it on living a life you love.
Need some help with your money take a look at how you can work with me.