How To Talk - Not Fight- About Money
By Lisa Fisher
Money is one of the top two reasons why couples fight. (Yes, the other one is sex. In case you were wondering.) Why is that?
We need money to live, so it brings up all sorts of fears – too much of it gets spent, or it gets spent on the wrong things, there won’t be enough of it left when we need it, we’ll starve, we’ll end up homeless, and eventually we’ll die alone and forgotten. No wonder the money talk is difficult!
When our very survival feels threatened, our brain sends our body into danger mode, and we respond just like we did waaaay back when our species was still dealing with saber-toothed tigers: we prepare to fight or escape.
The primitive part of our brain, which is in charge of keeping us safe, can’t tell the difference between a tiger and a difficult conversation about how much money to spend and on what. So, it’s not surprising that many money talks turn into an argument, end with someone storming out of the room, or are avoided altogether. We’re wired that way.
Does that mean we’re doomed to attack or run away whenever we disagree about money?
Good news: we’re not. Since fighting – or avoiding the talk – are responses to a perceived threat, the best approach is to treat “the money talk” for what it is: a safety challenge.
Here are some simple, yet very effective safety tips to keep yourself out of fight-or-flight mode:
Prepare. Any potentially dangerous situation seems safer when we are well prepared. So, before you even start the money conversation, answer these questions for yourself: How much money do I want to spend on what? How much money do I want to save? Why? What does that thing/experience/savings cushion give me? What’s important to me – freedom, connection, peace of mind ...? Write your answers down – most of us forget things when emotions run high.
Then go and have the conversation!
Pause and breathe. Think of this as a safety check. Remind yourself that it’s a conversation, not an attacking tiger. You’re safe. You’re just talking. When you feel the urge to punch someone or to run away and hide, take a few deep breaths. If that doesn’t do the trick, take a break and come back to the conversation later.
Respect. This may be the most important safety feature in a difficult conversation. Respect is like air: when it’s there, nobody thinks about it. But when it’s missing, that’s all anybody can think about. So go into the money talk with the attitude that everybody deserves respect. Even when you disagree with their opinion or when you have different goals.
Stay curious. You may think that your goals are not compatible, but you’ll be surprised how creative you get when you ask open-ended questions: How can we accomplish both our goals? How could we meet both our needs? “We” and “both” are the operative words here, and they bring us to the final safety measure:
Team up. If you were actually dealing with a tiger (which you aren’t), you’d be safer if you worked with each other, not against each other, right? Remember you’re in this relationship together. You’ll have more creative ideas when you work together. You may be tempted to force the other person to do things your way, or to simply give in, just so you can be done with the uncomfortable conversation. Don’t. While you may reach an “agreement” faster, I promise it will be more satisfying for both of you if you spend the time and energy to come up with solutions that work for everyone. An African proverb says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
For those of you who skim read or skip straight to the end: When it comes to the money talk, don’t avoid it or turn it into a fight – make it safe: Prepare, breathe, be respectful and curious, and work together. Your relationship – and your money – will go much farther.
Lisa Fisher is a mediator, conflict coach, Yoga teacher and Black Belt in Kenpo Karate. She is on a mission to make the world a more peaceful and harmonious place, one difficult conversation at a time. You can find her at https://blackbeltbuddha.com. For more mind-body tools to speak up in a way that is both badass and kind, go here.